If you were listening, I’d tell you that I don’t think about you so much anymore, but  when I was in an airplane over the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, I couldn’t get your smile out of my head.

There was this movie one night “Like Crazy” and this one scene hit me really hard and I didn’t know why. It was just a fast forward sequence of two people sleeping together (actually sleeping) in every different position possible over time, I think they covered them all and it was beautiful. I don’t remember the entire plot of the movie because I was wine buzzed and half asleep but I do remember that they had to be together, just had to and it wasn’t going to work. I felt this lump in my throat and then my eyes burned and I don’t remember what else happened for the rest of the movie, except for the fact that it made me sob. I woke up and couldn’t decide if I felt like that because I drank too much wine or because of all those nights we slept on a twin sized mattress in my living room and on your floor bed and tangled up in a soaking wet tent.

If you were listening I would tell you that your hair looked better long and that I don’t want to see you at all, but one night I was laying in my bed and couldn’t sleep and I kept thinking about the first time you ever kissed and then the last.

I would tell you that next time you message me I won’t answer, but sometimes I replay our first date over and over in my head so I don’t forget about the feeling I’ll always need to find. I’m bracing myself for the good kind of stomachaches I got while we watched our coffees get cold and for something to sound as carefree as your laugh.

If you were listening I would want you to know that I put anything you ever gave me into a box and that I intend on burning it, but just haven’t gotten around to it yet.

I’d tell you that they all know about you. Everyone that’s held me ever since, has heard about your smile. I cried about you to one of them on the floor of my garage one Sunday afternoon, in the middle of my own party (that’s when it happens sometimes) and he’s stuck around ever since.

If you were listening I would tell you that he listens too, and doesn’t go on dates with his crazy ex girlfriend. He doesn’t scare me like you did and I’m not sure what he wants or if it’ll fizzle out even quicker than our summer started, but I’d tell you how he’s the first person I talk to now when something especially good or awful happens and that if I could choose right now, he would be the one drinking beers in bed next to me.

If you were listening I would tell you I am sick of crying about you and watched four great movies that I have no desire to tell you about. I’ll tell him about them and about my impromptu adventure to Spain and pretty much everything else, and I can’t wait for his smile to do the thing yours used to do to me.

I’d tell you that you missed your chance and I can’t wait around anymore and that I’m better.

If you were listening I would tell you that you aren’t the first thing I miss when I smell a cigarette anymore and you being gone won’t stop me from playing BYOB board games or from having back deck beers and sleeping on floor beds this summer. I might go camping and it might not rain and I might get back the feeling I thought I’d forgotten.

I’d tell you that when the sun was rising over Granada right above the mountains, it was all purple and it looked how Ben Howard sounds (The Same Sun) and I was thinking about how much you would have loved it and about how badly I wished he could see it.

If you were listening, I would tell you I wasn’t kidding when I said I loved you in those other things I wrote, but that I’m writing about and falling in love with other people now and I don’t want you back anymore.

But if you were really listening, I would tell you that I’m a different person because of the way you use to grab me and hold me when you saw me for the first time in weeks and that the way you tilt your head and say ‘fuckit’ left this gigantic hole in my heart. I’d tell you that I’ll remember your eyes when I’m 85 years old and that I hope someone else falls in love with your smile, the right way, right when you’re ready for it. I hope you think of me when you get caught in the rain and that the person you end up with always tells you when you have food in your teeth.

Ps. You are not really my number one fan. But no matter where we go and who we’re with  I’ll  always be rooting for you.




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