The past isn’t real, the future isn’t real, and time is not real. I have this really nice watch and I wear it almost everyday and I didn’t even notice, until someone pointed out that it was set to the wrong time, that the battery is dead and it hasn’t moved in … who knows? a week, a month, and few months? I didn’t even notice. I probably won’t ever fix it. A sort of rebellion against the clock or something, if there was any real thing to rebel against at all. A million years ago I think someone just wanted a way to count back to something that already happened or to put a number on how far away the next good or bad thing would be. I think they needed a word for how long all of this is happening, a name for the inconsistent pattern of a year on Earth. They needed something to look forward to or to dread or to keep track of their days, check things off, to create a rule for what exactly constitutes lateness. They made it all up. I bet everyone thought it was genius before it became their worst enemy and they started rushing around and trying to fight and beat and race against this intangible man made monster. It’s almost funny how stupid this genius plan was, especially because you can’t win a battle against something that isn’t real, it’s actually impossible. We have all been set up to be cursed and doomed by this ticking time bomb and piercing alarm clocks.
You’d think whoever created time would take the time (I hate puns, I’m so sorry) to take speed into account. They thought it passed at a universal and consistent rate? There’s a set speed that the Earth rotates around the sun I suppose but different seconds have different lengths, different summers do too, and for different people. This summer the weeks fly but the months seem to go on forever and half of us are wishing it away while the other half is wishing it will never end. I have count downs until I can drink a beer in public (how insane that you aren’t ready to drink a beer in public until you have been around for 7,665 sunrises, not a single one less, who decided that?) I have a countdown for the amount of shifts left of work for the year and days until I can be free and Rhode Island bound and have my own bedroom and see this cute boy everyday and go out to bars whenever I want. Why do I have to wait for that? And why does wanting something so bad make time move in slow motion? I have a friend though and she has every weekend off and school stresses her out and her boyfriend is around all the time until he travels for a bit in September and she might not even work for the month of August and she is in no rush for freedom or the fall and I bet July isn’t dragging for her and August will be gone in a flash and my month will feel like 2 years and hers will feel like barely a week. Another friend is having a much harder summer than me her mom is sick and it’s sad and scary and I doubt she would want to wish away a second. I bet the same seconds that are almost on a standstill and are sticking around and making things seem stuck to me, are nearly slipping out of her hands. It’s so unfair. And even though all these people this summer are twisting and pushing and wishing time into all sorts of twisted directions it never seem to cancel out and bounce back to a steady pace for us all, it’s not even basic logic or math. It will still feel too slow for me and too quick for her and just right for the boy who isn’t my boyfriend, who seems pretty content with it all right now. We all lose because it was impossible to win in the first place.
Time is what causes anxiety and depression I think, but also what cures it all. It’s the only reason we think back to things and dwell and have nostalgia and feel so far away, always getting farther, from everything we used to love but don’t have anymore. It’s the reason we get ahead of ourselves and trip over our own feet and stumble on our words and lose our breaths. It’s why we are distracted by fake things that haven’t happened yet, and might never happen at all and it’s why the future is so big and looming and ominous. It’s freighting and mysterious and some people hurl themselves toward their worst nightmare and others shy away from their dreams because they assume time will pass differently than it is and they aren’t sure what’s going to happen next and all their plans could be for nothing. It’s why people put things off and procrastinate and wait too long only to find out we shouldn’t have waited and it’s always why nostalgia exists and regrets and it’s why we miss things we shouldn’t. It’s why people rush and jump in too soon. But it’s also why we move on and get over things and feel better, it keeps us going (not always going forward, but always going). Time doesn’t always go in the same direction or speed but it for sure doesn’t stop, not all the way. It’s just all so cyclical and tangled and I don’t know why we bother to keep track of it at all, when we could just focus on what’s real and right now instead (the only real things are happening right now , by the way. `
The only thing that’s real is what’s happening right now.