For a solid month all I remember doing is drinking beers. I forgot about Mercury being in retrograde and all it did was rain and for those four whole weeks nothing made me want to explode and write or run. It was so fast and slow at the same time and I wasn’t sad anymore at all. My heart took a stand still against my will and I lived through a lot of days without thinking about them so much. I let things happen as they happened, have you ever actually done that? I didn’t think ahead or backward and if I did think at all, it was about how I wasn’t thinking. I did things for a month straight and have only had a chance to realize they happened at all right now. I took a deep breath and nothing made me angry and I didn’t have as much to go on about. You could call it a blur of moving through motions or your head not being fully attached to your body or something. I was a little off and I didn’t even give the boy I’ve been seeing lately a nickname. I didn’t need to because I wasn’t writing about anything I was living. For the first time in years, I felt like keeping a few days all to myself, and like I didn’t need to turn them into art or pretend they were anything more or different or better than the little humble moments they were. It’s sort of like reading for the sake of reading. When you pick up a book just because you feel like watching words tumble over a page. It’s a good book, not too difficult or easy to read, and you don’t take any notes or fold any pages, just sort of go through it and don’t over think anything. This was month was like a chapter that I would read before bed, enjoying it as it happened, but very aware that I was missing a few deeper meanings and minor details and that I would for sure need to skim it over in the morning before I fully understood the point of everything that went on. I knew it and I read it anyways and lived it anyways, just for the sake of reading it/living it…details soon to come or whatever and then I fell asleep.

I woke up when I was in my living room with my family and a couple friends last night and we were sitting around laughing about an old yearbook. We laughed so much my stomach hurt and I turned red as embarrassing memories and my heart felt mine again and my mom made some joke about her college boyfriend’s nickname being Beer Muscles. I told the boy who’s not my boyfriend that we should call him that too, mostly just because he happened to be holding a beer when she said it, but also because I realized I was ready to do a closer reading of the Mercury month and would need something to call him when I wrote about it all. My heart and Mercury and mind jolted out of retrograde and the next minute I was writing this in my head.

Sometimes when life is moving so fast and your trying to remind yourself that nothing matters so much, you forget that things that don’t matter can still mean things and be important. Sometimes the things that seem to matter the least are the most important things of all. Sometimes you need to read just for the sake of reading and to live just to get more life under your belt. Sometimes you need drink some beer for no other reason than that you have a fridge full and to spew out all the nonsensical and completely pointless words in your head for no purpose other than to get them all down somewhere. Sometimes Mercury will go into retro without you noticing and you’ll only remember cleaning and kissing the whole time. Sometimes you won’t notice all the fine details of a chapter or month until you’re halfway through the next one and sometimes a silly nickname and some certain laughs will kick start your stand still heart.

I’m about to listen to some music I’ve never heard and then life’s going to start happening again but Beer Muscles and months made of Mercury are important and some of the things I’ll think about again the next few times things stop for a second.


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