HOW IT GOES AND HOW IT WENT(drafts)

DRAFTS

“hahaha I’m literally in love with you I’m so lame”

“haha I’m sorry but I’m in love with you”

“I’m kinda in love with you”

ASSHOLE”

MAY 31 6:39PM 2015

Its like déjà vu but with a person not a moment. Maybe I made you up in another dimension, In a dream or something. Maybe all you are is an idea, and you won’t ever be real for me at all. But if an idea is all you are, you’re one of the best I’ve had in a while.

JUNE 20 12:25pm 2015

I forgot what it felt like to be so excited about someone instead of being terrified (I’m still terrified, but it’s the good kind this time), the anxious anticipation and the butterflies. I forgot what it was like to dream about all the different ways to say hi to another human.I forgot what it was like to replay the same kiss a thousand times that has yet to even happen once, what if I forget how to even kiss at all? What if our words don’t make sense and our mouths don’t fit together?

JULY 14 2015-11:53AM

I can’t wait to be pissed off about him messing up my hair again or to buy coffees at 3 different coffee shops and get too distracted to by each other to take more than a sip out of each and it’s not worth worrying about what idiots we are for making the “liking each other too much” situation worse because it’s too late and now all we can do is let life do it’s thing and what happens will happen.

JULY 19 2015-8am

His smile is still the best thing I have ever seen and his eyes are 8 different colors. My dad actually likes him unlike any of the other assholes I’ve had any interest in in my life and he thinks he is genuinely nice and wants him to stick around and so do I. In the middle of the night in his sleep he pulled me closer. There are a lot of things working against us but also with us if you think about it.

AUGUST 4 2015-11:35PM

 He told me that sometimes he try’s to say funny things just so he can hear me laugh. He loves my laugh.

I like him so much it scares me.

AUGUST 16 2015-5:35PM

We tried to go camping and it poured into our tent all night and we woke up pretty miserable at 5:30am but I couldn’t stop laughing about it all or stop kissing you and I’m so thankful that it was all with you and not anyone else and that is the point.

AUGUST 23 2015-3:02pm

He didn’t have anything worth saying to me for a full day for the first time since April, and hasn’t wanted to hear my voice in over a week. I just feel like I’m going to get really hurt sometime soon.

SEPTEMBER 4 2015-5:20pm

I know I’ll never get to be with him but that doesn’t mean ill stop wanting to be. I know he thinks it would be too hard and wouldn’t be worth it and I know relationships are messy and someone always gets hurt and I know he would get jealous and I would expect too much. But if he ever changed his mind I would say yes in a second.

NOVEMBER 27 2015-10:38AM

I’m thankful for the time we had and the tiny infinity and the extra kisses I always tried to sneak in.I’m thankful that first goodbye was so hard. I’m thankful that we made the terrible decision to see each other again. I’m thankful for floor beds and back deck beers and I’m thankful you missed all of those busses and for that morning when we walked down and sat by the water for an hour with coffee and just talked about everything and soaked in life together and thankful that there just wasn’t a single cloud.

JANUARY18 2016-11:08am

 I want to see him and I miss him and I am not sure if I ever told anyone this but I loved him more than any of the other assholes and I might love him forever.

FEBRUARY 10 2016-2:18pm

I’ll be scared to say goodbye indefinitely to all our beers and board games and bus rides and best dates of my life, but I’ll do it anyways.

FEBRUARY 13 2016-9:30AM

 You wont be allowed to see me when you are “bored” or “lonely” or miss me or realize you fucked up big time, you wont get to catch up with me over coffee and you wont know if you’re ever in my dreams or if I’m seeing someone new.

MARCH 15 2016-5PM

You didn’t have anything new to say and we talked in circles for over an hour. In actual metaphors. It felt endlessly frustrating and silly and nothing like a Ben Howard song. I am too full of life to be half loved.

APRIL 10 2016-2:45PM

You have no idea the way I take my coffee anymore and  I would love to go grab some this weekend, but it wouldn’t taste right with you.

APRIL 19 2016-3:53PM

Maybe in 5 years we will meet up and laugh about all of this and try again but for now, please do not contact me again. I am going to let you go for good now and Im going to be just fine.

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