It’s a blizzard outside and I have a lot of coffee and a lot of time to think. I leave for school tomorrow and you want to keep seeing me, and for me to not see other people, and to eventually make it all work and I have been undoubtedly hesitant about that. I didn’t want to promise anything and was so scared to make any sort of commitment, and I mean, it would make sense if I were anyone else in this circumstance. It makes sense for anyone who has been hurt a lot to be hesitant about new things and it makes sense for a college gal to be hesitant about commitment. But to be honest, it doesn’t make sense for me. I jump into things. I am not one to hold back from something I want, if I want it bad enough, and I am not one to shy away from risks that could be potentially beautiful. It makes sense for me to say yes and commit and go all in. It makes sense for me to do the scary thing first and get scared later and to put my heart on the line. It doesn’t make sense for me to hesitate with this sort of thing. It’s not me. It’s just not, and all of this snow and caffeine have got me wondering why. I was trying to figure out what was holding me back and then I did. Something isn’t right. It’s taken me this long to figure that out I think, because it seems right. It seems so right, almost perfect. It’s how it’s suppose to be and you do everything right and treat me, for possibly the first time in my entire life, the way that I deserve to be treated and it’s fun. I have been so happy, I still am. I like you. You haven’t done a single thing wrong, nothing is wrong with you, nothing bad has happened on any of our dates. Nothing at all is necessarily wrong at all. But still, I know that something isn’t right. Or well, I didn’t know that at all until right now, but now I’m pretty sure of it.
So then after I decided something wasn’t right, I started to figure out what that something was. And then the boy with the greatest smile (the soccer player from the summer who didn’t want to be my boyfriend) messaged me and my stomach did this thing and then I knew. He just wanted to show me a song which is a pretty normal thing for him to do and I don’t usually over think it and we catch up a little, but nothing comes of it. But today I just got this feeling and I just knew all of a sudden why I have been so hesitant and it’s going to pretty much kill me to tell you. He messaged me about this song and I listened to the song and it’s sort of a perfect song to listen to if it’s snowing and so I told him that and then he said he wanted to go meet halfway between Massachusetts and Connecticut and sit in a coffee shop and listen to it with me. I mean obviously I’m not going to do that. It is a blizzard and he was mostly not serious and I have to move back to school tomorrow and also I promised not to see anyone else but you. So for all of those reasons I obviously wouldn’t go, but that isn’t really the point. The point is what I wanted to do, and what I wanted to do was to say yes and hop in my car and just start driving that way and wait for life to work itself out according to that plan and I felt so awful and guilty for even just thinking that. But I want to see him and I miss him and I am not sure if I ever told you this or that I have ever told anyone actually or even acknowledged it myself, wow, but I loved him more than any of the other assholes and I might love him forever (hopefully not, but I might). That doesn’t mean I actually will see him, I might not see him ever again, and that doesn’t mean I like you any less than I say I do…or that I’ll never fall in love ever again in my life. That just means that he still has a little tiny bit of my heart that I haven’t yet got back yet. It just means that I can’t give all of it to you, and it means that this isn’t right, it means that you don’t have all of me and it means that this isn’t fair. It means that, god forbid he showed up at my house or something, that I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to tell him to leave. I just couldn’t see him and refuse him and let him go. The word “leave” wouldn’t come out of my mouth and I’m scared that if I tried to say that word it wouldn’t come out right, and instead of “leave” it would sound like “please stay”. It’s weird, I know everything we say and do are choices but that, if that happened, I swear to you I wouldn’t have any control over it. It wouldn’t be a choice. We unfortunately in this life do don’t get to chose who we love or when to stop loving, regardless of how long the person has been gone and how over it I have chosen to become and how much I’ve moved on. Love doesn’t care if you want it or know it’s there, it just is. It’s not polite and it doesn’t come when you want it to and it doesn’t leave when you want it to and it doesn’t care if it hurts you or anyone else or that it’s extremely inconvenient. Love is not a choice. If I did have a choice or any say at all in who I loved in this life then I am certain, you are the sort of person I would absolutely choose.
You do everything right and say all of the right things and you are honest and consistent and I never have to question if you care about me or not or like me. You make me so happy and I’m so comfortable. I feel like I can tell you anything (although telling you all of this is pretty fucking tough) you make me feel incredibly safe and at ease (besides thinking of how you will be after you read this which makes me terrified that you will hate me). We have fun too and I’m so thankful and lucky that we have gotten to “live a little” this month together but I cant give you half of me and watch you settle for it. You are always there when I need you and I don’t know, I guess the best way to explain it is you are the sort of person who would tuck me into bed safe and sound, but he is the one who keeps me up at night. It’s as simple as that. Something is just missing, and it’s something I hope you will find with someone else because you deserve it, everyone deserves it. I know you will find it and you’ll know what I mean.
You’ll find someone who might not do everything right and they wont make safe and comfortable they will honestly terrify you, in the best way. You will find someone who doesn’t do all of the right things and actually says things wrong and not all of your dates will be perfect and consistent and perfectly happy like ours this month. They might be sort of a mess and things will go wrong and it won’t be simple or easy but it will still be beautiful for some reason and you wont be able to figure out why. They might say the wrong things and they might not always be there for you. They might not tuck you into bed and instead they will keep you up at night, at all hours and you wont know why but you’ll know it’s right with them and real and you wont question it or hesitate or hold back.
Things can seem so right and feel wrong and things and can seem so wrong and feel right and I wish we could choose which was which, we just cant. All we can do is trust what feels right and not settle for anything less than that. I would rather stay up all night thinking about the right person than be safely tucked into bed by the wrong one.