WHAT HE MEANS WHEN HE SAYS HE’S BUSY

When he says he’s busy he means he doesn’t want to talk to you. He means he doesn’t want to put the effort in. He means he doesn’t want to see you. He means it’s not something he needs, you aren’t, he doesn’t need to talk to you or see you and he is happy and content without your company. He means he has better things to do. He means he doesn’t think about you at all. He might mean he thinks about someone else, and that you aren’t the one he reaches for in the middle of the night, or the one who’s number he subconsciously looks for after a few too many drinks, or the one he accidently smiles about when he’s in public just thinking to himself about it all. When he says he’s busy he means that you aren’t what keeps him up at night, or what get’s him out of bed in the morning. He means you aren’t worth his time or effort or energy. He means your smile isn’t worth the drive and your laugh doesn’t sound as nice as his other plans. When he says he’s busy he means he doesn’t care for your smell in his sheets or your hair on his pillow and he means he doesn’t care about the tiny freckles on your arm that weren’t there before or what color your eyes get when it’s sunny like this. He means he doesn’t care about you, not enough to call you and tell you so, not enough to make room for you in his busy schedule. When he talks about his busy schedule he’s talking about all the things that are more important than the way you look while you’re sleeping. When he lists off all the things he needs to do, it’s a list of things he would rather do than hear you talk about the universe over coffee. His excuses are all the things and places and people more important to him than hearing about your dreams, and that thing that made your day earlier, and what scares you. When he is too busy to talk to you he means it doesn’t matter what you say and he means your voice isn’t his favorite sound. When he’s too busy to see you he means you’re not the best thing he has ever seen and he means he’s still looking for something else that is, who is, and he means he never daydreams about the way you roll your eyes and he means he never looks for you in other people or in crowded places and that he doesn’t miss the way you talk when you’re excited about something. When he doesn’t respond to your message he is telling you he’s running out of words for you and that your name doesn’t make his stomach do that thing anymore when he sees it and that he’s forgetting about all of the times that you kissed and the rest of the world stopped, melted away, and nothing else mattered, he is telling you other things matter now and matter more. When he ignores you for days at a time he is seeing someone else or at least wishes he was, he is letting you know he doesn’t wonder about your new favorite song or how that book made you feel or your next big plan or why you were up all night. He is promising that you will never be together for real and that nothing has reminded him much of you lately, and that he stopped noticing when he sees something you would like. When he starts to lose touch with you because he is busy he doesn’t value you in his life, you didn’t make him see the world differently, and he is ok with that and with moving on, and ok with going the rest of his life without sharing floor beds and back deck beers and days wandering around bookstores with you. He doesn’t want you to give him the wrong directions home or to miss a bus for a little extra time together and he’s sick of buying Movie Theater popcorn and eating it in bed. When he says he’s busy, he means he is an asshole and a coward and doesn’t know how he feels, he isn’t sure about things, and is definitely not sure about you. When he says he’s busy he just doesn’t want to crush you or hurt your heart or be the bad guy and he’s actually so much worse. When he’s busy, he is sugar coating things, and really he means he never will be your boyfriend and he means you aren’t his favorite person anymore and he means he is scared to tell you that and that he doesn’t respect you enough to just tell you the truth. When he says he’s busy, he might really truly be busy, but what he means is he will never love you.

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