PT 1. (11/16/14)
Coffee stains on my leggings, butterflies and movie theater popcorn filling my stomach, an ache in my arm from holding his hand for too long in an awkward position. I can feel his pulse and my phone buzzing in my coat pocket. Watching previews stream. Watching the other couple across the theater and a lone old man. Seeing my life and future flash before my eyes. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I can’t keep myself from smiling into his lips. It’s raining, cold, November, and I am here and I am alive and everything is different but everything is better and I am so miserably happy and everything is going by too slow and too fast. But sometimes I sit down and look around at the world and myself and realize this is life and I’m doing it right now and I’ve never felt so human and alive.
Last nights makeup is still on, the readings I should be doing are in the back of my mind, all of the things I chose to do instead are making me smile and laugh to myself in public. I am exhausted and the weekend is a blur and I am walking through the mall. I sit down next to my friend in the Apple store and we can’t stop laughing. We are so hungry but so filled, almost bursting, with stories and jokes about the past week or so. The Apple IT dude definitely thinks we are insane but I can’t shut up. On the way out I check my phone and that blog I applied to write for emailed me about setting up a phone call and I ran into my roommate from last year and it’s such a small, tiny, beautiful world and then I am driving home. It’s so warm out for a February evening and the sun is setting and it’s all purple and dark on top and bright yellow and shining burning light below it and there’s no transition in between and the sunset hasn’t looked like this in a while and doesn’t look like this from any other angle or place in the world, and maybe the world can be huge and tiny at the same time and maybe so can I. I am blasting my favorite band and there is tequila and shattered glass on the floor at home that I have to clean and I have to finally do those readings but for now I am just in the car and thinking about how THIS IS MY LIFE LIKE RIGHT THIS SECOND I AM ALIVE AND THIS IS IT and I am as human and alive when I am driving home and watching the sunset, as when I am doing all the responsible things I should be and coffee stains and sand in your shoes and a sore stomach from laughter, are more accurate vital signs than a normal body temperature and heartbeat.