I have this new favorite song and I am tempted to tell you about it but I’ve recently become a lot better at not telling you things and don’t want to fuck that up and also you would hate it I’m pretty sure. You would call it “soft”, because it makes you feel things and is beautiful and the lead singer doesn’t have that “I don’t give a fuck attitude” and you know what? Sometimes people have fucks to give, sometimes things matter and sometimes “soft” songs do. You hate soft songs. You hate them almost as much as you hate books that would make you cry. Books that can bring a person to tears are the best books there are, that is a fact. What is the point in reading a book that doesn’t leave you a different person you were before you started it? I like when I read something and my entire world shifts and nothing looks the same and I feel things. You’re so scared of feeling things. You wont watch my favorite movie because god forbid it makes you cry. You’re terrified of tears, I’m pretty sure. One day you called me on the phone and it was suppose to be over and I couldn’t hang up and I was crying and you told me to stop, you said it would be ok and I would be ok and that I should stop crying. Sometimes it’s not ok and sometimes I’m not and some particular days it can seem like nothing is, and sometimes I need to cry before I can be ok again. Because if you don’t get those tears out every so often they just fill up inside you and take over and you start to feel like you’re drowning and then eventually when you are filled to the brim you will explode and it will be over something as tiny and irrelevant as dropping your pencil on the ground, but you will lose it, and that is scarier to me than shedding a few tears every now and again when I feel less than ok. You were so uncomfortable with that and you wanted to shut me up and calm me down and it wasn’t working and I think that scared you too. You were scared to see me again after that first special date because you were scared of how great it was, you were scared of how much we could potentially like each other and scared for a second date because what if it was even better? We would never be able to be together for real and so we would be setting ourselves up for getting all heart broken and disappointed and that happened anyways didn’t it? At least for me, but probably, you’re too scared to ever admit what it felt like for you. You seem so cool and collected and like you don’t get easily frazzled. You seem like you never cry and never fall quite all the way in love, always keep one foot on the ground, and like you don’t ever take risks or lose or feel lonely and pissed off and heartbroken. You seem that way but I know that wasn’t always true. I know something or something’s made you like that, scared you out of feeling things at all. I know you did fall once and I know you felt things and you loved, all the way, a way I am not sure you ever want to again, and I know she fucked you over and broke your heart and ruined everything and I know you were angry then and I bet you even cried at some point but I cant be sure. I don’t know much about it all other than that, because you don’t talk about it, because that would be the scariest thing of all right? The way you laugh it’s like none of that happened at all, but you know how we all giggle a little when we are nervous? Maybe the harder you laugh the more scared you are. You have the best laugh in the world and I wonder if that mostly means you’re terrified of crying. You’re so scared and it’s the reason you still answer her messages, and why you wont delete the pictures of her kissing you off facebook, and why you saw her again and it’s why you are ignoring me now. It’s the reason you get high everyday and will never quit smoking cigarettes or listening to only “hard” music. It’s the reason you’ll never fully appreciate my new favorite song or The book Thief, or this thing I am writing right now. You’re so scared and that’s why you sugar coat everything and need to add literal sugar to your coffee sometimes and would never ever want to be with me for real. You’re so scared and it stops you from doing things and feeling things and experiencing life all the way, the way that makes it all worth it. Being scared is natural too, life is scary and we are all scared all of the time, I would never tell you not to be scared but sometimes you have to be scared and do the thing anyways. I’m scared too. I’m scared but I don’t want anything sugar coated, and I’ll always drink my coffee black and dark and as bitter as possible and tell the truth. I’m scared but I let myself feel things, I would never ignore someone I cared about or avoid amazing dates with an amazing person just because of it potentially not working out down the road. I was terrified but I never hesitated to see you or to call you or to let you know how much I liked you. I’m scared but I still listen to “soft songs” and I read books about real things and watch movies that might make me cry. I’m scared but I do the scary thing first and get scared later and sometimes it’s nice to smoke a little weed and put on a dumb meaningless show and laugh and pretend everything is fine but at least I’m not too scared to admit that I am pretending and I’m not too scared to face things and deal with them later on. I’m so scared for you to ever read this but if you’re reading this then you know I got past that too. You’re still scared though. You’re scared until you cut her out for good and delete those pictures and listen to my new favorite song “size of the moon” by Pinegrove. You’re terrified until you read The Book Thief and cry and call me and tell me the truth and don’t sugar coat anything and I’ll be scared to tell you how much I felt for you and I’ll be scared that no matter what you say I’ll have to hang up and move on and let you go for good and I’ll be scared to say goodbye indefinitely to all our beers and board games and bus rides and best dates of my life, but I’ll do it anyways.



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