I see this post all over the place, and it’s a quote I guess, you have probably heard it if you were ever an adolescent girl on tumblr in the past 10 years, but incase you weren’t, it says “I wonder who’s arms I would fall into if I were drunk in a room with everyone I have ever loved”. I used to think about that so much, I guess to keep in touch with what I was feeling and who I was feeling for and to not contradict my honest thoughts with my occasionally hypocritical actions. It’s always the same person or it always was at least, until it was someone else, and now it’s always him who I come up with when I try to answer that question. It’s only for myself. You’d think it was a question on some sort of life altering exam if you knew how much thought went into my answer. But then I realized loving someone and running to them doesn’t mean they loved or love you, or that they loved or love you the best, or even the most, and it doesn’t mean that is the one all of your thoughts and time and energy and excess unused love should go to. Because wouldn’t it change everything if they had a say in it? (which they do)I know whose arms I’d like to ideally fall into, but there is nothing more to it than that, there’s no promise they would volunteer to catch me. I know what I feel and what I know, but the real mystery, what would actually benefit me to know, would be if everyone who ever loved me were drunk (I mean, sober would be even more ideal) in a room, who would want me in their arms? Who would make it over to me first without hesitation and who would hold me until I made them stop? That’s what I don’t know and that is sort of what matters. I mean, it’s really what matters. What is the fun in falling without being caught? What is the safety and pleasure and reassurance I am suppose to find when I come to terms with the question of who, if I were drunk in a room full of everyone I have ever loved, I would gravitate towards. I don’t particularly care anymore. To be honest, if you know or love me at all then you know if I were ever drunk in a room with everyone I have ever loved, I wouldn’t be falling into anyone’s arms. I would freeze up and think about each of them and I mean I would want to run to all of them in a way “I still love the people I’ve loved, even if I cross the street to avoid them” but I would sit there and know who I wanted and I wouldn’t be able to move and I would just stay there and I wouldn’t be able to believe it and I’d love to believe that someone would stand up and step out of line from the rest and come hold me and that would be it and it would be right and make sense and the rest of them left there wouldn’t pout or protest at all because you cant argue the truth and I just… who would be the one to do that? I have utterly no idea who that would be, that’s what I realized today while I was running earlier and again after I finished my book and wine tonight. I want someone to be there at the end of it all, maybe even a certain someone, but I don’t want anyone, not even the slightest bit, who doesn’t want me. Who I would fall into is not the question; it’s who would catch me. If those aren’t the same person…then quote me here, if I am drunk in a room with everyone I have ever loved and everyone who has ever loved me and there is no mutual explosion of emotions, or there is any sense of hesitation from the people there, then I will not hesitate for a second to turn away from them all, every single one of them, and walk out of the room alone, and I will be ok, better than.