Every time it happens you think it will always be this way. You never kiss someone with the intention of never kissing them again. I have all these moments in my head now that I thought I would always have. I was in his car drinking a black coffee listening to jack Johnson and it was cold but sunny and I truly thought I would always have that and then he cheated on me and then he got drunk and broke my heart via text message and blocked me on all social media. Another time, I was cuddled up with this dude at a bar and we were the only ones there and I got served and I got some drink called a unicorn I think and we couldn’t stop laughing or making out in front of the bartender and we decided that it was right and how it is supposed to be and that we were going to make it work and I felt, this is it, for the rest of my life I’ll be cuddling up with this one in empty bars, any time I want and I pictured what our kids would look like or something silly. A few weeks later he found his ex at a different bar and I danced with his friends until we decided we should probably go and I could barely hold my tears in on the way home and couldn’t look at him, and now we are just friends who catch up on occasion. Then this summer I was sitting on a floor bed with the boy with the greatest smile and we were at his parents house in Connecticut and we had the whole next day to spend with each other and had just got back from a double date with his brother and brothers girlfriend and I got hungry and we started eating all these frozen mangos in bed and its such a vivid memory that I’ve had dreams about it and I decided I wanted to be in the same place in 10 years, like in a different house in a real bed doing the same thing, i just decided that’s all you really need in life, to have someone to eat frozen mangos with you in the middle of the night, and then he didn’t even want to be my boyfriend. He couldn’t commit to seeing only me or to calling it a relationship and now he mostly just talks to me when mercury is in retro or when he hears a song I’d like. I still do this now. I just don’t have endings to write about yet. You don’t hold someone’s hand and go to dinner with them and fall asleep with them under the impression that they will be doing this with someone else in a couple months or a year or even eventually. You feel like it will always be you. You feel like it will be forever and at the beginning you don’t really grasp the fact that there will, much more likely than not, be an end. Not necessarily a tragic end, but you know, life happens and the only way for something to never end is if you get married, and even then… It will be over or it will at least be different, but either way, it will not always be like this and you will not always feel like this or have this and it sounds sad or sort of cynical, but it’s not, it’s just true. Moments can pretend to be forever, but in the end moments are only moments, there and then not.
The problem isn’t really the fact that moments are only moments, they don’t owe us anything more than that, that’s all they ever are supposed to be. The problem is when we get attached to moments, and want more of them more from them than they can give us. The problem is when we pretend they will be here longer than they will be, that we think they won’t change, and that we assume they wont end. I don’t want that problem anymore, I don’t want to go through that again, the whole making moments into bigger things than moments type of scenario. I don’t want to kiss someone without knowing it’s the last time and then never see them again and I am so sick of pretending fleeting feelings are forever. I am not some heartless bitch who doesn’t feel anything either, quite the contrary, I feel everything and I feel it all so much, arguably too much. I’m not saying I want to stop feeling any of it, I just want to stop living in a fantasy world where promises aren’t broken and endings don’t exist. I don’t want any promises at all. As much as you know and trust and believe whole heartedly that you won’t break a promise, the fact is that you still probably will. You might not, I’m no psychic, but more likely than not you will, because statistically speaking more relationships end in a breakup than a marriage or ~forever ~ and even out of those marriages, more than half end in divorce. I don’t want that. Or rather, I don’t want to pretend that isn’t true. I don’t want the commitment or the expectations or the rules or the fear and stress and suffocating-ness that comes with all of those things. I don’t want to tip toe around or walk on eggshells when I do something “he” might not like, I don’t want to live for someone else or be “theirs” I am already my own, and I have no interest in belonging to anybody else. Not to say every relationship is stressful and suffocating, but the ones that aren’t …aren’t the ones full of promises or daily love letters or unrealistic expectations. I don’t know. Those things just seemed so forced. I don’t want to “work hard to make it last”, it will last as long as it’s supposed to last and it will end when it’s supposed to end. You can’t do the thing that I keep doing and force things into place that aren’t really there.
You know when your are doing a puzzle? And it starts to come together, really fall into place, and you are almost done and you can tell what the picture is of and basically see what the finished project will look like. You start to scramble and rush because you’re excited and you want to skip forward to the part where it’s all perfectly together and you want to be done and to take a picture and to show it off. So maybe you start getting ahead of yourself a bit and you find a piece that looks like it will fit in this tough spot and so you try to place it there, only it’s a little off. You keep trying anyways and you think it’s some production error…it has to be the right piece… so you bend it a little, you might even break a tiny corner off so it fits better and just pretend it came like that and hope that nobody saw you do it and then you force it in to place and violla, it is complete. Your beautiful finished puzzle. You call your roommate or mom or whoever into the room to check it out. That’s complete bullshit. Its delusional. You taking credit for something essentially unfinished, and forcing the piece to be something it wasn’t so it fit better into your ideal image. Maybe the right piece was missing, maybe you dropped it on the floor or lost it or maybe it was lost in packaging and maybe, maybe you would have found it eventually and it would have turned out the same way.. except much more satisfying because it frustrated you for a while and you had to wait for it and it was worth it, or maybe you never would have finished the fucking puzzle at all because you lost patience or moved on to something else or the dog ate the missing piece or maybe the piece was never there to begin with and you eventually figure that out.
People do that to people too. Force each other into things in order finish up their masterpiece of a life quicker than necessary. What’s the rush? To finish a puzzle that’s dishonest and haphazardly pieced together and unsatisfying? Why not wait to find the missing piece by complete accident in a few weeks and be infinitely more excited and satisfied with it .. or why not make sure you have the right piece in the first place and not settle for the wrong one and if the piece never turns up just throw the entire puzzle away and get a new one and make it better. I’m not saying I want to avoid love or never be in a relationship again, I just don’t want force things into place and ruin puzzles, or pretend moments are more than moments, or that feelings are forever.