WHISPERED THINGS I WILL SCREAM

Since I didn’t get my license yesterday and I was suppose to, I couldn’t go scream alone in some beautiful up high place but I still have all these things to scream about, more things now than before. I need to scream for him to come back and stop being scared of falling in love with me and then when he doesn’t answer I want to scream at him to go away and stop texting me and telling me how cute and great I am and to stop snap chatting me his great face (even though I won’t mean it) and I want scream about how much Connecticut sucks and also the DMV and I want to scream about the condescending asshole who is responsible for me not physically screaming all of these things out loud right now in the first place and I want to scream loud enough for his wife to actually hear me and leave him for a hot lesbian and I want to scream about wasting my only two days off in a row and about work ruining everything and not letting me drive to mountains and jump in lakes and sleep in other states all the time and I want to scream that I hate coming home covered in pizza everyday and aching all over from serving other people food while I’m so hungry and I want to scream at the sun to calm the fuck down and cool off a little bit because I’m sick of July and the heat and not being with any of my people in either of my places and I want to scream at the dean or whoever the fuck decided orgo is a requirement for nutrition majors and let it ruin my life for 2 years and counting and I want to scream to Chris that he’s ignorant as fuck for thinking smoking makes him cooler than anyone else on the planet and that racism isn’t real and for not finding me funny and I want to scream to him that we are not boyz and never will be. I want to scream to Marc that “it is what it is” is a stupid fucking phrase that makes no sense. I want to scream at the one we called 24 for about 5 hours for his music taste and general interests and personality turning to shit and for messing around with my heart for so long but I also want to scream about how great the realization of all of that was when I realized I was over him for real and I want to scream to everyone on the planet TO STOP TRYING TO CHEAT ON YOUR GIRLFRIENDS WITH ME I WILL NOT EVER BE THAT GIRL and I want to scream to all the Matt’s that they suck worse than any other group of people with the same name and that they collectively trashed my perceptions of love and relationships and trust. I want to scream all the things that I haven’t had the chance to one minute rant about and even some of the things I already have ranted about and I want to scream at life for being confusing and hard but also beautiful and I want to scream good things too. I want to scream about being young and free and alone even if I hate that sometimes and I want to scream for all the oceans and mountains that exist on the same planet I get to exist on and for how great it is that I get to live in the ocean state most of the time and walk to the beach so much and I want to scream for all the gorgeous moments that I miss so they come back for a second and for all the little infinities that should have been bigger and I want to scream for all the potential things that never got to be anything more than potential and I want to scream for all the things that have happened to me good and bad and for all of the things that haven’t yet and I want to just yell, just yell nothing in particular once I’m done screaming about everything. I just want to shout once I run out of sensical words and sounds. I just want to spew out enough noisy nothingness to fill up the quiet emptiness and then make sure everything is out of me so I can finally get up and turn around and leave it all behind and walk back down to the car 10lbs lighter and then I want to cry until nothing is sad anymore and I start laughing and realize I don’t have to carry all that shit inside me anymore and thank god or the universe or whoever because that shit was heavy and it was holding me back and making me dark and dull and weird and angry and I cried too much. I want to climb into my car and I cant decide if ill blast my angst playlist or if it will be nice to sit in the silence and either way, ill roll all the windows down and buy myself a cold drink on the way home and I wont have anything left to be angry about or sad about or scared of and it will be hilarious and beautiful I think and I know I’ll get all filled up with things again just from doing life and collecting memories and moments and little infinities and lost potentials and getting to know people and myself and thinking and learning and realizing and remembering and feeling things again soon, but once I hit my max load again I’ll know where to drop it off and dammit its so important to scream the things we usually whisper.

(JULY 2015)

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