The other night I was celebrating how awesome the universe has been to me lately, with a glass of wine and a tummy full of dinner from my favorite place, that I drove my mom and her boyfriend and myself to and my license test was scheduled and I didn’t have work until the next afternoon and I had plenty of money in my bank account for the first time in almost a year and the boy with the best smile I have ever seen was texting me about climbing and camping on a mountain together sometime and I was just so thankful for everything and felt it all finally making sense and the pieces falling together, like I had been craving and waiting and working towards for months, and all of that could have been summed up by me saying I felt fucking content, but now you get the whole picture. Anyways, yesterday ended with me vomiting on public transportation and everything turned to shit you could say. Not literally, hardly even figuratively, I’m being dramatic but it all got a little bumpier. Like if this week was all a smooth sailing road, then all of a sudden yesterday I came to a major detour that would throw off all my travel plans and I’d have to take a new route full of some outrageous pot holes that would fuck up my car you know? So I woke up with a bad taste in my mouth because I was too bummed out and to get up and brush my teeth before I passed out waiting for him to not text me back and then this morning he did text me back and said all the wrong things that I didn’t want to hear and it hurt my heart honestly and I didn’t want to rant about how wrong he was (partly because he wasn’t wrong) or hate him and delete him off every social network and write an anger poem about him or egg his house, I just wanted to lock myself in my room to sob like little kids do when they don’t get their way and get so broken up about it that you almost believe the world is on the brink of destruction when you look into their eyes hard enough. But I couldn’t lock myself in my room and wallow like a five year old because I am not a five year old and its really hitting me how hard that is sometimes because instead I had to play tough grown up and hold it all back and choke it all down whilst parallel parking around the city all morning. I was thinking about him never kissing me all over again, and almost got crushed by a bus. I drove two hours to Springfield mass and stopped at a depressing rest stop because I was going to pass out and got really scared about passing my test and also really scared that he wouldn’t want to hear about how scared I was anymore. So I got there and I was still scared but also kind of excited because I started imagining how if I passed I could leave my phone at home and drive to some beautiful place far away with lots of trees and a nice view (maybe like the place we wont end up hiking and camping together) and just climbing on top of a huge boulder or something and just screaming, just shouting as loud as I can, even though I have a sore throat, and screaming about him not being there with me and screaming for him existing too far away and about my mom and about student loans and chemistry and racism and I could write an entire extra page on all the things I would scream (and I think I will) but basically I just was daydreaming about all of this and then I couldn’t take the test. I just couldn’t take it. They wouldn’t let me because my little sister wasn’t allowed to be left unattended and I cried in the middle of the DMV and everyone stared at me and I didn’t care and the fucking prick took fucking pleasure in it and that’s the only reason I eventually stopped but then started again when I got in the passenger seat of the car and refused to do the drive home and I cried all the tears I couldn’t cry earlier and then new obvious tears too and I think I ran out of salty water to dispense before I ran out of things to cry about and I ate some more unsatisfying gas station food. I had to tell everyone what happened and it sucked and now I have to take another day off of work to try to get my stupid license again and its not stupid at all because ill need it to get myself to school from the sunshine house in the fall and more importantly I need it so I can go scream on top of a mountain alone and jump in a lake or something after so I can feel content and satisfied with the universe again like I was fucking 24 hours before all of this shit. So the next thing that happened was I decided to get inebriated drunk and my best friend came over and we went to a party at her school even though I was exhausted and didn’t feel like meeting new people and had a pounding headache from draining all my salty water restores earlier and only eating gas station snacks all day and I had this terrible taste in my mouth because we left before I had a chance to brush my teeth and from the general terribleness of the day but did get drunk and everything was a little better and the party was really fun it was but then I texted him things that were embarrassingly honest and my friend took my phone deleted his number and I vomited all over the orange line. I woke up with a terrible taste in my mouth and I honestly am not sure if it would be possible to brush my teeth enough to get rid of the taste; of the public transit vomit, of the gas station food, of the potential kisses that lost their potential, of all the things I never got to scream just hanging in the back of my throat, of the day.